Going Under The Knife

Well, the big week is here. I have surgery scheduled for Wednesday morning.

Many people have caught me and told me they are praying for me this week. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I have to say, your prayers are doing great things!

A couple of updates:

#1- Fingernails: They are doing better! I know you were concerned. I know it's a small thing, but I really feel like God is answering our prayers about this. (He loves to answer prayers about the little things too.) They still feel pretty sensitive, and like they would hurt really bad if I caught them on anything, but I have been able to clip them maybe 3 times since the last time I wrote, and every time I do, I feel like I'm a millimeter closer to safety with them. I even dragged my cello out of its case and gave it a try last week, and it wasn't impossible. Except that I haven't practiced since I was diagnosed for whatever reason, so I'm pretty rusty. I wear rubber gloves in the kitchen a lot, when I'm making dinner, cleaning up, or eating a particularly messy meal -because nothing says "Good Nachos" like eating them with rubber gloves on!

I feel like the neuropathy has abated almost completely. As a matter of fact, I sat at the piano and sang and played for a good hour or more this afternoon, and didn't have any issues with my hands. So thank you so much for these prayers. God is truly answering!

#2- Provision: Oh. My. Goodness. You guys are the best. Thank you for everyone who has sent some money our way. We are so appreciative of the sacrifices you have made, and it makes me giddy to see how God provides through the gifts of his people. Four days in a row, we have received OUTRAGEOUS gifts- some anonymous, others not. We are thankful for each and every one. As a result, we celebrated our 21st anniversary (where someone snuck in and paid our bill- leaving in addition $21.21 in cash- which we were then able to leave as an outrageous tip for our cute waitress), and we will be able to meet our household bills for the end of August, as well as pay off the accumulated medical bills that have come our way in the last few weeks. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! We are humbled.

This is such a faith builder, when we place our trust in God for provision, and He nudges His people in this way. I would encourage you to trust Him when you are worried. Make your needs known for him, and ask for His help. He is a good Father, and meets the needs of His children. Sometimes, He provides like this, but more often in our lives, He has sent more work our way. Giving your child an opportunity to earn his or her income is a necessary something I do as a parent- why should He be any different?

#3- Platelets: They went up! They were at 142 when they ran labs on me last week. Those prayers did it again! This is not a super-high number, but it's high enough for surgery, and they are moving in the right direction. My liver numbers were a little low, so the doc told me lay off my celebratory drinks. :)  Also to stay away from Tylenol.

Moving Toward Surgery
I am following the pre-surgical protocol, and have not been taking any vitamin or herbal supplements since last Wednesday. My muscles sure got achy for a few days. Probably should have eased off.  I usually take a Vit D3, B Complex, Calcium Carbonate/ Magnesium, some fruit & vegetable juice supplements called Juice Plus, and an herbal supplement for the neuropathy called Neuro-QOL. (No drugs. Isn't that wonderful?) So I am off all that, and my system should be free of all the extras for Wednesday.

I am busily trying to get all my ducks in a row by tomorrow. School started for the kids today, so I'm finalizing carpool schedules, making sure they have all their school supplies, lunch money, etc. I am trying to get my lesson schedules set up, even though I won't go back to teaching until Oct. 1. I have 2 college students doing their senior recitals in September, so I did what I could to help them put finishing touches on that, and now it's up to them. I set up a meal sign-up for anyone local who wants to bring us meals over the next several weeks. I played as many services at our church as I could before taking some time off. Squeezing out the last of my service! Got my small group set up, and my moms' prayer group for school... I hope I'm not missing anything! I'll probably think of something huge at 3 am on Wednesday.

The Big Day
My timeline on Wednesday is arrival at 5:30 am. I was told not to bother being early, because that's when they open. Geesh. Then they are going to do a Sentinel Node Injection at 7 am. That is described as:

...a procedure used to help identify the sentinel lymph node(s), which is the first lymph node to which cancer cells are likely to spread from the primary tumor. The procedure involves injecting a radioactive isotope (technetium sulfur colloid) into the breast, generally around the central aspect of the breast.   The material moves through the lymphatic channels and accumulates in one or several lymph nodes. During surgery, a handheld gamma ray counter scans the area of the underarm to locate the sentinel node(s). ~Source: bannerhealth.com 

Surgery (bilateral simple mastectomies with possible right axillary node dissection) is scheduled for 9:00 am. I told several people it was at 7- I didn't read my admission sheets very thoroughly. Sorry. During surgery, the breast surgeon (Dr. Dosch- if you want to pray for him by name) will remove the breast tissue, and possibly one or two lymph nodes, according to what he sees with the Sentinal Node injection.

Dr. Dosch may also fitz around with my port to make it work properly. It functions at 50% right now, meaning they can use it to put medicine in, but not to draw blood out. They are going to check and see if my insurance will cover that, and if so, he will fix it. If not, he'll leave it alone, and it won't be a huge deal.

Then the plastic surgeon (Dr. Karu) will do her magic. She will begin the reconstruction process by putting tissue expanders behind the pectoral muscles. These are like little water balloons that push the muscles into a new shape. She will pump me up a little bit at at time over the next few months. As you can imagine, the recovery from this surgery is pretty grueling. Think about all the things you use your chest muscles for.... yeah. Everything.

I will probably be in the hospital (Avera McKennan) for two nights, then they anticipate I will be pretty useless for a couple of weeks. They told me to take 4-6 weeks off from work, so I did. Of course, I haven't worked since school got out in May, so I'm anxious to get back, but I'll be fine. I will probably ease back into active life after the first couple of weeks, doing a lesson or two here and there, but I promise not to push it too fast.

My mom is going to come and stay with us for as long as we need her, and of course Matt will do double duty, working and taking care of the kids AND me. He's a super hero.

Prayer Requests:

• One potential complication when they remove any lymph nodes can be
  lymphedema
  , which is a "swelling in the arm that occurs when the normal flow of lymph in the arm is reduced." This would be bad, so let's pray it doesn't happen. The tips my little brochure gives me are to slowly return to normal use, protect hands from infection by wearing gloves and washing hands often (done!), don't wear tight sleeves, elastic cuffs, bracelets, watches or rings on that arm (rings? I... uh. OK), and do some therapy exercises. ~source: "Understanding Breast Cancer" Krames Patient Education.
• Uneventful surgery.
  I would love to be "not weird" for this. I pray for a textbook surgery with no amazing stories for the docs to tell afterward.
• Anesthesia sometimes makes me nauseous.
  It did not when I had my port put in, because I mentioned it to the anesthesiologist. They can add anti-nausea drugs to the drip so that I won't be sick afterward. On a side note, and I think I wrote about this before, but the last time I went under, I tried to pray for the whole group before we got started- but it turned out that the anesthesiologist did such a quick job that I thought I was praying for them before, and they were already done!
• As a singer, I'm always nervous when they intubate me because that tube goes right past the
  vocal cords
  . So protection for those fragile little muscles that I put so much time and energy into.
• And of course,
  recovery. I have given myself plenty of time before I will resume my normal life, but I am sort of a fast mover. You might have noticed that. I don't like sitting around. So I know I need to be patient with myself, and allow time for healing. 

Now, for the "before" picture: 

...and now you know why it was so easy to find a lump the size of a marble.

I know, right? All this fuss over those little things!? I'll leave you with a quote from my ever-encouraging mother. "I don't know what I'm so worried about. As small as you are, it shouldn't be any worse than having a wart removed."

Time to Celebrate!

Wahoo! Chemo is over! I had my last chemotherapy infusion (#6) on Tuesday, July 23, 2013.   Unfortunately, I couldn’t celebrate right away, because I still had to go through the after-effects. I had all the regular symptoms: fatigue, mushy head, touchy stomach, etc. but because I had the treatment on a Tuesday instead of the regular Thursday (that’s kind of a long, unnecessary story), I came out of the fog 2 days earlier than usual, and felt good for Sunday morning church- which was great because I ended up playing on the worship team that morning. That would have been absolutely impossible for me if I had still been in the fog. Not only would I have been too tired to stand, but one of my symptoms is that my brain can’t handle music, and it bounces around inside my head like I’m inside a cement bunker. It’s just too much, and I can’t stand to listen or sing. As you can imagine, that drives me crazy, as playing and singing are my favorite things to do!

a little glimpse of the crowd at our one morning service (replacing the normal 3). 

I was on the bandshell stage waaaaay in the back of this picture.

Predictably, my tongue took a couple of weeks to recover from the treatment, but it’s my hands that have really been bothering me this time around. It now looks like I will loose all of my fingernails. It started with them turning white along the tops, then grey along the bottoms (I’ve just kept them painted because they look so ugly), but these last few weeks they have been very sore. They feel bruised, like they were hit or pinched, and every time I bump a nail against anything- even a pillow or something soft, it hurts like crazy! Even playing keys in church last Sunday (the second week after treatment) was sort of painful- but not enough to keep me from doing 4 services (3 morning, one evening). 

I have been very careful with my hands, keeping the nails very short, not allowing them to soak in water, and trying not to subject them to undue trauma, but a few days ago I noticed something new. They stink. They smell vaguely like old cheese. Gross! This is because the nails are lifting off the beds. I can look down my fingertips and see right up under the nails. My left thumb is the only one of my 10 fingers that has not hollowed out yet, but I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time.

Eew! Gross!

So, much like my hair, I will loose my nails, and they will grow back strong and healthy in a few months. And much like loosing my hair, I’m not happy about this. I have to confess that I’ve been downright grumpy about it. Meanwhile, I have increased my Neuro-QOL supplement to the recommended 2 capsules 3x/ day to help with the neuropathy in my hands, and I got a big box of rubber gloves to protect me from infection. I’m thinking of getting some pretty little white gloves like the kind ladies used to wear all the time- simply because I’m so vain, and I hate the idea of they way my hands will look without nails. Wonder where you find those? Might have to search some vintage resale shops... Or Maia’s dress up box, now that I think of it.

I had my pre-surgical blood draw this week, to make sure my levels were high enough to endure surgery. I could have stuck around and waited for the results, but I didn’t. Until I hear otherwise, I’m going to assume that my platelets are high enough to have surgery. The surgeon wants them at 120K. Before I started chemo #1, they were at a nice healthy 300K, and they gradually have dropped over the course of my 6 treatments. I asked everyone to pray aggressively for my platelet levels before the last treatment because they were at 128 before #5, and had to be over 100 in order to do the last one. Thank you for your prayers! They actually went back up to 132 for #6!  So unless this last round of chemo knocked them significantly- and I don’t see the physical signs of that- such as unstoppable bleeding, nose bleeds and excessive bruising, I’m going to assume that I’m in the clear. 

Some friends offered to have a party for me, but because I’m done with chemo, AND trying to build up my endurance to recover from surgery, I’m trying to naturally detox. I’m still avoiding sugar, eating lots of fruits and veggies, avoiding processed foods and stocking up on protein for recovery. All these things line up to make for not a very fun party, actually (who wants naturally sweetened granola and kale chips? What a party!). Also, it’s terrible timing, because school starts in a couple of weeks, and everyone is squeezing their last bit of summer fun in before we all have to go back to our regularly scheduled lives. 

But last weekend turned out to be the exact kind of celebration I needed. It was a second weekend after chemo, so I was feeling pretty good (except for a little bit of cardboard tongue). I was scheduled to play and sing for church on Sunday morning, and our worship leaders picked the BEST music! One song in particular, was one that we’ve never done, but when Aubrey (my friend/ worship leader/ former student) found the song shortly after my diagnosis she claimed it as her “Amy song,” and knew we had to use it in celebration once my treatments were over. It’s called “In Jesus’ Name” by Darlene Zschech (pronounced "Check"), and you can watch the full 9 minute video here:

I know, I don't usually watch videos either, but I want to share the lyrics with you, because they were such a great victory cry for me this weekend:

God is fighting for us,

God is on our side

He has overcome,

Yes, He has overcome

We will not be shaken,

We will not be moved

Jesus You are here

Carrying our burdens,

Covering our shame

He has overcome,

Yes, He has overcome

We will not be shaken,

We will not be moved

Jesus You are here

I will live, I will not die

The resurrection power of Christ

Alive in me and I am free

In Jesus' name

I will live, I will not die, 

I will declare and lift You high

Christ revealed and I am healed 

In Jesus' name!

God is fighting for us

Pushing back the darkness

Lighting up the Kingdom

That cannot be shaken

In the Name of Jesus,

Enemy's defeated

And we will shout it out,

Shout it out

We also sang a couple of other great celebration songs, and some songs that we just love as a congregation and as a band. It was an aggressive song lineup that asked a lot of our musicians, but the Spirit was so strong even in rehearsal, that we eagerly anticipated Sunday morning. And God did not disappoint! We were convicted that we should be that excited about our weekly gatherings every week, anticipating and preparing for a great move of the Spirit every time the Body of Christ gathers. 

In addition to a great Sunday morning, and Thursday evening practice, I attended a Beth Moore Living Proof Live conference in Sioux Falls on Friday night and Saturday morning with my mom and several ladies from our church. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been leading a Beth Moore women’s Bible study this summer with about 8 other ladies, and I can’t say enough good things about her teaching. I’ve seen Beth speak live 3 times, and attended simulcasts a couple of other times. I’ve done about a half dozen of her studies over the years, and I always come away feeling like I’ve grown in faith and Bible knowledge. I haven’t done one of her studies in about 4 years, mostly because they take a lot of discipline and daily dedication, and those are not my strong suits, but I knew that this summer was the year to dig back into the Word in a way that one of these studies would really help me to do.

I have been griping a bit lately about not really knowing what I’m supposed to do with my life now that the worship leading chapter of my ministry has apparently closed (this was about 8 years ago). To be honest, I’m still mildly resentful about this, but remaining obedient and subservient with a good attitude in my background role on the worship team. But I’ve been trying to figure out what ministry looks like for me moving forward.

So we get to this huge event on Friday night last week, and the main logo comes up and the theme for the weekend is “Birthing Purpose.” Identifying God’s purpose for your life. Because we ALL have a purpose, and until we figure out what that is, we will be vaguely unsatisfied, and searching to accomplish something, but never really knowing what to aim for. Perfect! 

I have loved talking to my friends that attended about what God is doing in them as a result of the weekend and listening to His Spirit. I just love seeing how God is moving in the lives of others, and being able to help them process through what that means for them. A couple of the things that I came away with were: 

• to keep writing here on my blog, as I’ve received a great deal of encouragement from so many people- often complete strangers. 
• I am trying to figure out what it looks like to be sort of a mentor figure to the young women in my church and in my life. 
• I need to get back to work. Shaping singers into the best that God has for them is something I love to do. I have been off work for almost 5 months now, and I am chomping at the bit to get back to it.

My book project is on hold for a while. I think I need the benefit of hindsight to really see how God is putting pieces together throughout this journey for me. Some of it is so obvious right now, and some things won’t make sense until later. I will revisit this idea later. It may happen, it may not.

My treatment schedule for the next little bit looks like this:

1. I will continue Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks until next April. Herceptin is targeted chemotherapy for HER2-neu receptive cancer, the aggressive form of breast cancer that I have. I will be able to do this on Friday mornings when I go back to work, which is my regular day off. It will not give me the nasty side effects of the other two chemo drugs, Taxotere and Carboplatin, that I have been taking during the last 18 weeks.
2. I have a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery scheduled for Wednesday, August 21 (pending platelet levels). I will post more about this process in another entry, as it is not a simple procedure. It will involve 2 nights' stay in the hospital and 4-6 weeks off from work, so I will return to teaching at USF on October 7.
3. I will begin hormone replacement therapy after surgery. I will explain that more when I understand it better. All I know is that the chemo has shut down my ovaries, sending me into early menopause. The hot flashes have started. (yey.) Mostly they bother me at night. I hardly notice them during the day. 

So prayer requests are:

1. Again with the platelets. The higher they are, the better I will fare during and after surgery.
2. Successful surgery with no complications. 
3. God's provision, as we are nearing the end of our savings. Paychecks will start up again at the end of September, so we're pretty close. Thanks to all of you who have sent gift cards, meals, money and food. Your gifts mean more than we can express in words!

One more thing I want to touch on before I finish up here. This stupid thing called cancer might be harder on my loved ones than on me as a patient. It is especially challenging to my parents. They both have their own ways of dealing with their grief, and helplessness. 

I sat down with my mom on Friday night, and she told me how angry she was with God at first.  Angry, scared and helpless. She said, "It took me a long time, but I had to get to the point that I knew I could live if you died. And you helped me with that because you made it clear that you know you will live even if you die." We had a great weekend together, and I'm not looking forward to them being gone all winter to Arizona. But somehow I'll make it through! 

My dad, much like me, writes his feelings out. He has sent me several poems over the last few months. This is the one he sent today.

Honor is Due

By David Eitemiller

Jesus, you are my creator and sustainer

All I have has come from your hand

Help me to draw from your wisdom and power

So I can fulfill some small part of your plan.

Jesus you are loving and kind

Your mercy is bountiful and true.

And you are a God of justice and grace.

So help me to glorify you.

I am weak and lowly

You are almighty and holy

You already know, the way I should go

But why do I learn so slowly?

My heart is deceitful and wicked

But you are so pure and so kind.

Keep the evil one away from me Lord.

And help me keep you on my mind.

As I relate to others around me.

As they observe me in all that I do.

Help me explain how you found me.

And give honor where honor is due.

Last Chemo!

We made it to the last one! And good news! My platelets went from 128 UP to 132! Good job, prayer warriors!!!

I wasn't able to ride my bike over this time because we will have to run some errands and pick up Maia after we are done here today. Thanks so much to the families that took both kids overnight last night and for the day today, so that they wouldn't be so bored.

I decided to bookend my 6 chemo treatments by wearing the same t-shirt today as I wore to my first one:

Today, July 23

They say I will start to regrow hair in about 3 months, so I am excited to also get my 3rd wig hopefully today around 1:00, if it comes via UPS. I'm going with a long brown one like my hair was when I started this whole thing:

First Chemo, April 11

Only the wig will be way lower maintenance, and will look nice every time. And I never have to color it. I don't know, this wig thing is pretty sweet. Except for not really being able to swim at the pool, and having to grill and bake with no hair because the heat will melt the synthetic material. I like traveling in cognito, and surprising folks with my different look each day.

What's to come:

While this is my last "Big Chemo," I will still have to do one of the chemo drugs, Herceptin, every 3 weeks for the rest of the year. I'm assuming that means until the anniversary of when I started- April 11.  Herceptin does not have the brutal side-effects of the Cytoxin and Taxotere that are the other 2/3 of my Big Chemo infusions. The only side effect of Herceptin- which is the chemotherapy that is targeted directly at the HER-2 receptor on my cancer cells, is there is potential for heart damage. I had a baseline EKG before I started in April, and I will have a follow-up test in September.

I have surgery scheduled on August 21. Two days after the kids start back to school. It also happens to be our first parent commitment day at All City Elementary, where Maia goes to school. We have great families there, so it won't be a problem to get someone to switch with us, it's just inconvenient because it's the first week, and there's training involved. AND we have a brand new teacher to the school in Maia's classroom this year.  Way to make a good impression!

The surgery will be a double mastectomy with reconstruction and implants. "Why so invasive if your tumor is only the size of a grain of sand now?" you may ask. My reasons are a.) There is only a 5%-11% chance of recurrence with this surgery as opposed to a lumpectomy. My general surgeon says that I will probably be at the lower end of that range. b.) no radiation. c.) I never have to have a mammogram again! d.) uh... new boobs. For a naturally rather under-endowed girl, this is pretty exciting! I will finally get to be the size I've always pretended to be, or maybe even bigger! (Photos above? My most padded push-up bra.)

The reconstruction with implants will be quite the process, and no one who has had it says it is fun. They will insert expanders behind the pectoral muscles in my chest wall with these little water balloons in them. They each have a port that the plastic surgeon will access and insert a few cc's at a time over the course of about 3 months until I am about the size I want to be. Then they go one size larger, and do a second surgery to remove the expanders and insert the actual implants, which will give a more natural look and feel. THEN a few months later, they will make fake nipples, and once I'm healed from that, I can go to a tattoo artist (affiliated with the medical center) and have the aureolas tattooed on. Sorry about that. It was graphic. Should have warned you. I promise not to post pictures of any of those steps.  Maybe just the change in size through my clothes.

This first surgery will involve significant recovery time. I will have to take 4-6 weeks off from work, which means I can't go back to my regular teaching duties at USF until the first week in October. I have taken the whole summer off, so I am kind of chomping at the bit to get back at it, but what are you going to do?! I will reduce the number of students I take this semester, and teach 8-45 minute lessons instead of 12-30 minute ones. It will all work out just fine.

During my surgery recovery, I will continue to receive Herceptin every 3 weeks, and I will also start hormone replacement therapy. They will keep me on a daily drug called Tamoxifen for either 5 or 10 years which will keep me in early menopause probably until I go into real menopause. Bleh.

Prayer Requests:

My latest side effect is that my fingernails are turning white and the nail beds feel bruised. I posted on Facebook the other day that they feel like they've been gently smashed with a hammer. I never felt the impact, but I feel the after-effects. My oncologist is concerned about that because it means that the nails are detaching from the nail beds. I am to keep them very short, keep my hands out of water, avoid traumas (don't actually smash them with a hammer), and stay away from dirty projects (garden digging, litter box cleaning, etc.). If they start to ooze, I am to call in for an antibiotic right away.

Obviously, this will impede my piano playing (and thus, my teaching style) pretty significantly. So I ask you to join me in praying that my nails get healthier and don't try to abandon me. So far, my toes are unaffected, so we can also pray that they stay that way.

I will be having a follow-up EKG (mentioned above) on Sept. 13. Praying for no cardiac damage from the chemotherapy. I am definitely slowing down. I can tell that I run out of breath faster, and my muscles don't handle the exercise as well as normal. Could be because I don't exercise nearly enough, so I will be gently ramping that back up before surgery to help with my recovery.

We can keep praying for my platelets, as they need to be right about where they are now or a little higher for surgery. I will have labs drawn a couple of weeks before surgery to check them. Low platelets during such an invasive surgery can lead to big problems, so I need my body to be working the best it can.

And of course, recovery from surgery. There is a 2-night hospital stay, and the aforementioned 4-6 weeks off of work. I am not a physically strong person, so this physical recovery concerns me a bit. Also, it will slow me down, which makes me crazy. And I will finally have to actually rely on others to really help out. This has been a rather long, drawn out process, so I'm afraid people's motivation to help out at one of those really busy times of the year might be a little low. Everyone was very willing to help at the time of diagnosis, but here's where we will actually need it.

They will inspect every millimeter of my remaining breast tissue at the time of surgery, to make sure there is no sign of any remaining disease. If I do not pass that little test, I will have to undergo further treatment in the form of a medical study called the Carolyn Study. Dr. Krie wouldn't explain that to me today, "We'll cross that bridge if we come to it." So, we're praying that there is no more evidence of cancer at the time of surgery and I can be declared cancer free.

So today is a day of celebration! Even though, I anticipate that I will crash pretty hard this afternoon and evening from that Neulasta shot, tomorrow won't be too bad. Then I'll go through a bit of a slump, but I should be feeling well enough by Sunday to enjoy our annual outdoor service at McKennan park.

Hooray! Thanks for checking in. Your support means the world to me!

***Update***

Here's the newest wig, if you were curious. :)

Follow-Up MRI

Every time I go into my oncologist, Dr. Krie's office, I ask if I really have to do all the rounds of chemo. It's gotten so that she anticipates the question and says "YES! You really have to," before I can finish asking.

I have been waiting for some kind of follow-up testing to see how effective the chemo has been, and finally had that this week. I had a follow-up MRI on Monday, and declared to anyone who would listen that I was sure they would find no more cancer.

Then I was going to go ask Dr. Krie if we really had to do round #6 if there was no more cancer. (She undoubtedly already had her answer ready to fire off like Annie Oakley).

Anyway, I just got a call from her office, and the test results are in. The original size of the tumor was 1.6 centimeters. After 5 rounds of chemo, it is down to .6 millimeters.

To put that in perspective, 1.6 cm is about the size of a marble:

And .6 millimeters is about the size of the world's smallest flower- the wolfia punctata, a type of aquatic duckweed.

Google was not really helpful in finding things that are .6mm, 

so here's some tiny green things...

So... that's pretty good news. I guess I'll endure the last round of chemo on Tuesday, and the surgery- which is set for August 21, so that cancer, that stinky little jerk, won't make a return visit.

I ask you to continue to pray that my platelet levels be high enough to do chemo on Tuesday. After my MRI on Monday, it took about 4 hours for my IV puncture to stop bleeding, which isn't a great sign. The surgery is scheduled for 7 weeks after my last chemo, and they require 6, so I'm assuming that it won't be delayed even if I have to wait a week for the last treatment. I just want to get it over with.

On a side note, I discovered this book at the library last week:

It is a graphic novel (i.e. comic book) about the author's own battle with breast cancer. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Refreshingly honest, funny and agonizingly real all at once. This is the book to give as a gift to that friend who was just diagnosed. Only, maybe wait a few months.

Beauty

I am on the other side of chemo treatment #5 out of 6! Hooray! Almost there!

Honestly, it seems like this one was possibly the easiest one yet. I decided to not just lay around and let things happen to me. I forced myself to get up and go out for a walk every day- though on the first of those days, I think we made it maybe a quarter of a mile. I stayed hydrated (good for me!), and in my brain-addled state said "yes" to doing another show in the park.  In 4 rehearsals. It opens tomorrow. Whoops. In my defense, I thought I was agreeing to play the piano for a show, but they had an actor back out at the last second, so they opted to pre-record the music and I wound up playing Calamity Jane in a little musical revue about the wild women of the West:

Yee haw!

Have I mentioned that I don't DO Western, cowgirl, country, hoedowns, or anything of the like?! My mom, the rodeo gal that she is, thinks this is hilarious, and is happily loaning me a pair of swanky cowboy boots.

This reminds me of my Valleyfair! Days.

There is this to be said, I get to work with some wonderfully talented college students (most of which I've had as voice students) AND Maia gets to be in the show too. She's super excited because she has lines for the first time! This proud mama thinks she is doing a fantastic job.

So that's what's going on with me. Now, let me get to the point of what I wanted to write about.

Last Sunday morning, I made it to church on a "dark" weekend. I rolled out of bed relatively early- I hadn't slept well that night, possibly because of all the napping on Saturday. The kids were at grandma's, so I only had to get myself out of the door. 

I looked in the mirror at myself and saw this: 

I had planned to wear a lovely outfit, with my big ol' hat, and knew that I would look like a movie star by the time I was done in the bathroom that morning. Look good, feel better, right? So, in a moment of snarkiness, I decided to do a before and after picture of my morning routine and throw it on Facebook:

Don't tell me you can't see the resemblance to the 

hairless cat above in the picture on the left!

I had 94 "likes" on that picture, and several comments about how I look beautiful and tough, and how brave I am. My friend Julie said, "You just overcame a major hurdle, didn't you? So proud of you!" She hit the nail on the head. I cannot tell you how much I try to hide the ugly side of me from the world. Everything in me wants to look like I have it all together, and that cancer can't make me ugly.

But it does.

So I've been thinking about this whole area of not feeling very pretty lately. I know that beauty is fleeting, and we're all just dust in the wind, etc. I just had hoped my beauty would fade a little slower. In the grand scheme of my life, I really haven't had it that long. 

I was kind of an ugly baby...

recognize the hairless cat's sneer?

I was an awkward little kid...

A bit of a goof for a while...

Then things really hit the fan in middle school...

Purple tinted glasses with my name on them. The epitome of cool.

I turned a corner for a while once the braces came off and I got contacts...

But I was such a dork, and contacts were so much work! Look at this one! Matt & I looked our VERY best for this picture:

Argh! I'm dying! Someone once told me that I should take a picture of my outfit every day, because I always wore the weirdest stuff. I am so thankful that Instagram did not exist when I was in high school and college!  Please tell me my 20's & 30's were better...

sometimes yes... 

sometimes no.

OK, now in my defense, I had lost a lot of blood 

right before this wedding, which is why I look vaguely vampirish.

Who cares what I look like?! Cute baby and cute kitty!

Let's just say 40 was actually a positive turn for me:

My 40th birthday party. 

Yes that is a tiara. Have you MET me?

Thanks for taking that little trip down memory lane with me. The point is, beauty is an elusive thing. It comes and goes, and it's all such a vain pursuit! (pun intended)

We all have our pretty days and our ugly days. It's just part of being human. Sadly, in the process of killing the cancer cells in my body, chemo has also killed all my hormones. Turns out, estrogen is what make you feel sexy. And I don't anymore. 

I was lamenting to the Lord about how I don't feel attractive at all anymore, and the song, "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham kept popping into my head. And I thought, "Well, that's not appropriate at all. It's not God calling me beautiful. It's a worship song to Him, and it's not about me at all. Stop being so narcissistic! Sing it back to Him instead!" 

Then I remembered this verse.

"So God created mankind in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."  Genesis 1:27

and this one:

 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

and this one:

"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

and then the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor showed up on my playlist.

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.

Then in my morning Bible study, this paragraph jumped out at me, 

"You and I want God to be able to look on us amid our overindulged, self-absorbed culture, then glance to His right and say, 'She has an extraordinary spirit, doesn't she, Son?' Perhaps Christ will nod His head and, while thinking the thoughts of an anxious bridegroom, lean over and say, 'And isn't she beautiful?'" (p. 105)

This, by the way, is how God talks to me. He just dumped out a whole bucketful of love all over me right when I needed it. He does this for all of us, we just have to stop and listen. 

Oh, and he used Dustin Hoffman too. 

It just so happened that this old interview with Dustin Hoffman about the movie "Tootsie" has been trending on Facebook lately. He talked about having Hollywood makeup and special effects experts turn him into a woman, so he could see if it was believable or not. 

“When we got to that point and looked at it on screen, I was shocked that I wasn’t more attractive. I said, ‘Now you have me looking like a woman, now make me a beautiful woman.’ Because I thought I should be beautiful. … And they said to me, ‘That’s as good as it gets.’”

Sometimes we have to live with "as good as it gets." Whether it's our beauty, our health, or relationships, or whatever life has handed us. But the great part is that God calls our "as good as it gets" his masterpiece.

Do you want to know why I have gotten prettier over 20 years of marriage? Because my husband looks at me daily with love shining in his eyes and calls me beautiful. I have become what he calls out in me. My spirit draws closer to God because He looks at me and calls me his Beloved. I have become what He calls out in me because I choose to believe it.

I will close with another reference to our women's Bible study. This week, we made a declaration of belief at the end of our group session, and I'd like to share it with you. It comes from Daniel Chapter 5.  I encourage you to insert your name, and start treating yourself as God's beloved holy vessel, and becoming more beautiful.

I, _____________, belong to God.

I am a holy vessel because I house the 

Holy Spirit of the Living God.

The Lord of Heaven and Earth has said over me,

“I declare you holy.”
Today, 

I commit to start 

believing what He says:

I am holy

Empower me daily, Spirit of the Living God

To treat myself as holy.

Open my eyes to every scheme of the 

enemy to treat me as if I am not.

You, God, are God. 

Your word is truth.

This day, Father, I choose to believe You.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen and Amen.