Through the Fog

Here I am in another "good week." It is week 3 of round 4 out of 6. The end is in sight! Hallelujah! I will say, I think my bad week was a little worse this time, but maybe that's because I just laid around and waited for it to happen to me. Or maybe I am impatient to get this whole thing over with. I am extremely thankful that I only have two more rounds to go. But none would be better.

Everyone complains when we get to this point in the summer- that it feels like it just started, and it's almost over. This is one summer I will be glad to see the end of! 

Wednesday was a hot day, so I took the kids to the pool. My kids are strong swimmers, and my M-O is to kick back and alternately read a book or nap poolside. I discovered a problem yesterday. My wig is hot! I went and dipped in the pool a couple of times, but really I just wanted to submerge completely. It turns out, I can't go hairless in public. Don't get me wrong, I love not having to shave my legs, but a bald head in public just doesn't work for me. I've actually thought about just taking a bath with my wig on to see what it would look like, but as I really think about it, the chlorine would probably be pretty damaging.

This is all quite ironic, because for years I have avoided getting my hair wet in the pool so I could keep it safe from the damaging chlorine. Now the only thing I want to do at the pool is get my hair wet! Never satisfied, I tell ya!

Here's another thing I can't do- pull a hat down over my ears. Unless it's a cloche or a bucket hat. But those deep caps that are supposed to come down over your ears to hide your baldness? It just feels weird. And wear a top that shows my weird port scar. I can't do that either. Ick.

Of course, all of this is my own personal opinion, and I'm sure there's some deep-seated emotional problem that allows me to talk about this on the Internet, and even post bald pictures of myself, but won't allow me to walk to the mailbox without a wig on. Some women rock the bald look, wearing it proudly like a badge of honor. I just can't. Call me insecure.

And while I'm ranting about my bald head. I have noticed something. If I look really, really close in the bathroom mirror, I have about 3% of my hair that is still growing. It's about a quarter of an inch long, and guess what. It's all white. No, not really light blonde. White. Maybe it's actually transparent and that's why it's so hard to see. Also, if I can get a grip on it with my fingers, I can pluck it right out. Doesn't have much stay power, but seriously? The only hair that continues to grow is the gray?!  Weird.

OK, so I had a point when I started writing this post. I was going to talk about the gamut of emotions (or lack thereof) that I go through on a "first weekend." I never feel like writing then, though I usually clear my calendar so I have plenty of time.  I just jotted down some notes, so that I could come back and write it out when I felt better.

Things that I can do ahead of time:
I am very fortunate that my "yucky" days are predictable. Those who struggle with depression or Lupus never know when they are going to have a flare, and can't be prepared for them. I have determined that chemo days are similar to, but not as bad as, these conditions. I loose my energy, don't feel great, but mostly it's that my energy and emotions just shut down. Friends who suffer from these diseases, I salute you.

These are things I can prepare ahead of time (whether I will or not is always a pot-shot) to help my rough days go smoother.

1. Start with a clean house. If you have ever visited my house once, it was probably clean. The kind of clean that makes the kids wonder who is coming over. If you have visited more than once, you probably know that I am a little lazy in the housekeeping department. The last round of chemo happened right after we had our new carpet installed, and everything was put back in place, the piles of junk had been sorted through and mostly eradicated, and there was in general a nice, fresh feeling about our home. While I was not feeling my best, this was a nice thing to look out at and see. Just made me feel a little more peaceful.
2. Prepare food ahead of time. I got all the grocery shopping done, prepared some freezer meals, and had plans for people to bring us meals for a few days. This was good, because I didn't want to make dinner any of those nights, but everyone in the house (including me) wanted to eat. How obnoxious of them. I also had some easy, healthy snacks on hand. Homemade granola bars, fresh fruit, homemade popsicles, yogurt, cheese sticks, etc. These all came in handy for the kids as well as me.
3. Make plans for the kids. It is really nice to have something for the kids to do while I watch episode after episode of "30 Rock" on Netflix. They both had sleepovers at friends' houses, and someone to play with most every day of my blackout.
4. Make an entertainment stockpile. Go to the library and check out some books, we started a Netflix account this month, get all the laundry done ahead of time, make plans to exercise with a friend on the worst days. 
5. Prepare, prepare, prepare, then relax & clean up later. It took me a little longer than usual to come out of the fog this time, but eventually, I got around to cleaning up after myself. I have to say here that my husband is an absolute saint and treats me like a princess on these dark days, so I'm a pretty lucky girl.

The dark days are here...

This is my experience. And if there is one thing I've learned about cancer, it's that everyone's experience is different, and everyone's experience is valid. I have a tendency to gloss over the yucky stuff in life, and when I feel good, pretend that I always feel good. But the truth is, I don't feel great for a few days each cycle. I have decided to call this my "blackout." It only lasts 3 days, and when I come out of it, I want to forget all about it. So this time around, I took notes so that I would remember how I felt. These are some things I wrote down.

Is this depression? I read this blog post about one woman's take on depression. (Seriously, go read it. I will wait). It really opened my eyes to what depression is like and as an extrovert and a "fixer," how annoying I must seem to those with it. Then I went through a blackout, and thought, "this must be a little bit like that." I have never had the misfortune to struggle with depression, and I count myself very fortunate in that. But if ever there was a question as to whether it is a chemical imbalance or not, I think this certainly answered it for me. After all, I just had $12,000 worth of chemicals dumped into my bloodstream, and now I can't feel.

The weekend after my first round of chemo I was worried that it would last the whole 18 weeks, and I thought, "I won't survive this!"  When I'm in a blackout,  I can't think, can't have a conversation, I forget words,  I can't remember anything, can't bring myself to care about anything, I can't make decisions and it is unsafe for me to drive. The whole thing drives me crazy. Or it would, if I had the energy to care.

Turn off the music! I am a musician. I love to sing, play instruments, listen to music and be surrounded by it. Usually. Not when I'm in a blackout. I can't stand it. I can't sing, play the piano, or listen to the radio or live music. It rattles around in my head like my cranium is lined with cement. I just want to plug my ears. This is especially problematic in that my treatments are on Thursdays, and my blackouts are then on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I love the music at my church, but I can't handle it on bad weekends. Matt works at church, and leaves before 6 am every week. That leaves it up to me  to get the kids up, fed and out the door. Fortunately, we have an evening service, so I went to that this time, but going at a different time of day didn't help much. It does make my worship have a different focus. I am definitely humbled. I do a lot of sitting down and thinking (as much as I can) about the words to the songs because I don't have the strength to stand or the desire to sing. I am thankful that there is also an option to watch our services online, which I have done during a blackout before. 

Are these hot flashes or is the A/C broken? They tell me that they are suppressing my estrogen and this will kick me into "temporary menopause." I still don't know what that means, but my menstrual cycle has stopped (sorry for the TMI), and one night during my blackout, I kept getting hot. It might have had something to do with the temperature in the house being in the upper 70's that night. I adjusted the A/C, and haven't had a problem since! Haha!

My doctor says that my cycle may start up again after chemo, but because of the presence of estrogen receptors on my cancer cells, my treatment plan includes hormone replacement for 5-10 years with a daily pill called Tamoxifen. I just clicked on this link and read about that. awesome. 

Burn, baby, burn... The heartburn still seems to be the roughest side effect. I don't get any relief with drugs like Prevacid or Prilosec.  The best solution is still a swig of my apple cider vinegar/ honey/ water (1:1:1) mixture. Tastes awful, but alleviates the heartburn immediately. As mentioned in my previous post, acupuncture also helps a lot. 

I have not had problems with my plumbing on the other end of the system (to put it delicately) since the first go around, so that's good! The other real physical issue I've dealt with is the neuropathy in my hands and feet. They get all puffy and red, and sometimes tingly. This seems to come and go, which is annoying, but at least it's not permanent. I can still play the piano. I find that lifting heavy things is really hard on my hands, so I get out of a lot of work. 

Drinking water seems to be a real challenge during a blackout and for the week following. No matter how I dress it up- I've tried floating fruit in my water, or just splashing a little lime juice in it, but nothing makes me happy.  I just don't want to drink it, even though I know I need to flush the toxins out of my system. My mouth tastes yucky, and I just don't wanna. I finally broke my no sugar or artificial sweeteners rule, and made a pitcher of lemonade Koolaid with only a 1/4 cup of Truvia baking blend (1/2 Stevia, 1/2 sugar), and that hit the spot. Downed 3 glasses in rapid succession. Then I got a bellyache.  Maybe not the best idea I ever had! 

I have not gotten sick to my stomach from chemo yet. I am so thankful for this! My appetite continues to be strong, and while my tongue tastes like cardboard (about 2 weeks), I prefer zesty foods with a lot of flavor. HOWEVER, during a blackout, I will not make it myself. I sort of sit on the couch and wish someone would bring me food. Sometimes Matt reads my mind. Or at least asks if he can get me anything. Even if he doesn't ask, I often request things and he lovingly obliges. What a guy!

I find myself laying on the couch and either watching movies or reading books a lot. I look around and think of all the things I should be doing, but don't want to get up and do them. It's not that I don't have the strength. It feels more mental than physical. There's a lot of stubborn, "I don't wanna" running through my head, and somehow I let that voice be the loudest. 

Maybe I just need a good strong cup of coffee! (haha... just kidding. No caffeine in this girl's diet.) 

So what helps? I have been working through the Daniel study by Beth Moore with a group of ladies from my church, and it requires daily homework. This forces me to get into my Bible daily, and I sure do get a lot out of it when I do a study like this. If you have never had the joy of diving into a study by Beth Moore, whether you're a man or a woman, I strongly encourage it. I promise you will emerge wiser, more Spirit-filled, and more in love with the Lord.

I came away with this little gem from scripture last week. It occurs in the book of John before Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.  

This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory, so that God's Son may be glorified through it.                  ~John 11:4

 And of course, my super hero of a husband is a huge help as well, as noted several times here. He is so sweet when I go through these blackouts, and exemplifies this scripture for me:

The greatest among you must become servant to all.     ~Mark 10:44

The best part about my blackouts is that I know when they will end. By Tuesday morning, I will awaken with a pep in my step once again. It did take me a few days to get back to doing anything this time around, and my tongue always feels like cardboard until about the following Tuesday, which makes it still really hard to drink enough water.


I have been chewed out multiple times for not getting my blog updated more frequently, because people don't know how I'm doing. I apologize for that! When I'm in a blackout, I have plenty of time, but no motivation. When I feel good, I sort of get maniacal about things and don't allow myself enough time to sit and write.

I am nearing the end of my 3rd week for this round, I feel great, and my weekend is packed. I had 3 opera performances over the last 2 days... (this is one of my favorite things to do all year long! I love doing children's opera)

Hallo! I'm Pinocchio!

There's trouble a-brewing!

Oh no! Lost Papa's pencil case!

We had a little children's chorus of puppets

(Maia is on the far right of this picture)

Uh oh! Caught lying!

Now Papa's really mad.

My wish being granted by the Blue Fairy!

The kids also got to be policemen

I got to sing with one of my students. 

This is Brittany, and she did a fabulous job!

I have a bassoon band rehearsal/ performance tomorrow afternoon and evening...

I'm not actually in this picture, but these are my homies. :)

and Sunday, I will be playing for all 3 morning services AND the evening service at church...

As you can see, stupid old cancer is not getting in the way of me doing the things I love. Two more rounds to go. The end is in sight.

My next blackout will be over the 4th of July holiday weekend. If you want to sign up to bring a meal, you can click on this link.  There are still a few spots left.  Thank you so much to everyone who has provided us with meals. It has been such a huge blessing!

I want to say a special thank you to my hometown church, the Sheldon Church of the Brethren, who sent us a substantial Hy-Vee gift card. It covered our groceries for a whole month! And our current and former small groups who got together and purchased a quarter share in a community agriculture group that delivers fresh veggies to our house every week.  We are so very blessed by these gifts. Thank you all so much for the gifts big and small!

This week's plan is to go in on Wednesday since Thursday is a holiday this week, so I will be done with the dark days one day earlier than usual, right? :)  And by the end of July, I'll be DONE with chemo! Wahoo! Counting the days!

Alternative Therapies

3 down, 3 to go!

I made it through my third chemo treatment last week, and am on the upswing again.  Hooray!

I started a project, and I'm kind of making my family crazy, I'm afraid.  I decided to redecorate my bedroom. It was perfectly nice before, but I wanted a change. It started with paint colors, but soon involved new bedding, which I am sewing myself- because duh! You can't change the wall color and keep the same bedding! And then I decided I needed to make new window treatments- for the same reason. And of course, the adjoining bathroom had to change too... which means some major changes that I'd been hoping to make for a while- including painting the double vanity, framing in the big contractor's mirror, changing out the light fixtures, adding a built-in ironing board- which then of course needs a new outlet installed... you see how this could get out of hand.

The project got a jump start when we decided to install new carpet in the entire house. And while we're at it, better change the linoleum in the bathrooms and the entryway (This is my mom & step-dad's project. They actually own the duplex that we live in). That all starts on Monday, and I kind of wanted to get the walls painted before the new floors came in so I didn't muck up the new carpet.

I promise I will post pictures of all this, but right now, everything is in the "worse before it gets better" stage... Here's a tiny preview... but it's not done.

Here's a before pic of the bedroom

and the bathroom

And here's a start on the after pics... I'm not done yet.

I actually just painted the bathroom green today, 

hence the paint cans on the counter!

And then I accidentally started a small group. Well, a women's Bible study that meets at my house every Friday. It all started with me kind of wanting to mentor this former student/ current worship leader friend of mine. We started the Beth Moore "Daniel" study together and very quickly concluded that more people need to be involved in it. So now we have a group of 9 ladies meeting at my house on Fridays for the next 12 weeks.

Normally in the summers, I am wiped out from the frenzy of the school year. I take time to relax & recharge, get very little done, and spend a lot of time lounging by the pool. So why the sudden burst of activity? I've been trying to figure that out. My brain and my body won't slow down! I wake up every morning before 6 am (that is REALLY not like me), and I start thinking of all the things I can accomplish today.

This is what I've come up with. I think I'm a control freak. And I can't sit still. I need something to be in  control of, since I can't really control my disease, and I don't have much control over my treatment. If I think about it too much, I feel like I'm being carried away by this whirlwind of events that are out of my control. So I control other stuff. I just used the word "control" 7 times. Sorry.

Speaking of my disease... Oh yeah, that's why you have all been checking in! I wanted to take a minute to sing the praises of the Avera Prairie Center. I have been keeping an eye on this place since it was built. As a matter of fact, Matt & I snagged tickets to the grand opening in October of 2010, because Lance Armstrong was the keynote speaker. This was, of course before his fall from grace.

(moment of silence)

I was very impressed by the overall peacefulness of the place, and the beauty and artistry incorporated into the space. Aside from being a world-class cancer treatment center, it incorporates several integrative therapies for patients to take advantage of, including exercise classes, acupuncture, massage, a wig salon, art and music therapists, a dietician, a cafe that features the Mediterranean diet, and a live music area, with a grand piano and frequent performances from local artists. There is beautiful art hanging all over the building, and a lovely prayer chapel nook on one end of the atrium.

A couple of things I want to specifically talk about is the Look Good, Feel Better program, which is not limited to the Prairie Center. It is provided by the American Cancer Society, and is available to any woman with any kind of cancer. It is a skin care/ makeup class for cancer patients where they can get together and learn about the specific challenges that come with chemo and radiation treatments. They provide a kit including makeup and skincare products from several different companies- it's not about any specific brand, and a chance for these women to get together with others who are all in the same boat.

I showed up a half hour late because I'm a duh, but there were 4 other survivors there. Well, 5, including our presenter, Del. She's also the wig lady, and totally awesome. Anyway, she said that this session was rare in that we were all breast cancer patients (except for her). Three of the ladies were older than me, and one was about the same age. We all shared our stories, and we talked a little about our treatments. It once again became clear that there is no cookie-cutter treatment out there. We all have our own battles to face, and I was struck again by how very, very fortunate I was to find my lump when I did.

We watched a video, in which the participants actually bared their bald heads with each other (gasp!) while doing makeovers with the goodies in our bags. When it came time for us to wash our faces and do our own facials, I said, "OK ladies. Are we doing this?" and I took my hair off. One of the older women looked at me aghast, then very self-consiously took off her own wig. We all talked about how vulnerable it made us feel to go "au naturale" in front of anyone besides our immediate families.

I didn't necessarily learn anything new at this class, but it was the closest thing to a support group I've attended, and it was nice to be able to talk to others in sort of the same situation. I highly recommend the class to any woman going through chemo treatments. It's true. When you look good, you DO feel better.

Another program that I've taken advantage of is the acupuncture in the integrative therapy studio on site. My oncologist recommended that I give it a try for some of the side effects of chemotherapy. I was too busy to get a treatment right around my first round of chemo, but that first round gave me an idea what kind of side effects would plague me the most. For me, it was diarrhea, extreme heartburn, fatigue, some nausea (but not too bad), and a little later, neuropathy. Dr. Flickema, the medical acupuncturist who performs the acupuncture, knows right where to put the needles, and by golly, it works! I was skeptical, I'll admit, but I've had 6 treatments, and it has helped immensely! I haven't had to take any meds for nausea, heartburn or even diarrhea since starting acupuncture.

I grabbed some pictures. It feels weird when she inserts the needles. I have to force myself to relax. And the ones in my wrists give me a good zing every time, but it doesn't really hurt. It's just weird.

She does my legs and feet,

belly,

elbows and wrists.

It is unfortunate that most insurances won't cover acupuncture. I had a generous benefactor (OK, my mom) cover the cost of these treatments, but not everyone has those advantages. I would highly recommend it if there is any way you can swing it (on top of all those other mounting medical bills. YIKES!)

I have to say, in the department of God's great provision, He has proven faithful time and time again.
Every time I start to worry about money, I have decided to pray about it instead, and God's people have been so generous to meet our needs. We have received sizable cash donations, gift cards, meals, car repairs, garden produce, and numerous other gifts from not only our dear friends, but others who just know of us and our situation. I am so humbled and overwhelmed by these gifts, and it is so cool to be able to show our kids God's tangible provision in our time of need. It has built our faith tremendously.

It hasn't always been this way. Usually, I pray for God's provision, and he sends me another student ("Ugh! You mean I have to WORK for it?") and I have to somehow add more work into my already busy schedule. It seems like every time we get a little financial cushion built up, a major car repair or unexpected expense rears its ugly head. In nearly 21 years of marriage, we've never gotten ahead, but God has always provided. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again.

Thought I would close this post with some pictures of my many wigs.

As you remember, this is the first wig I got:

I almost always wear it with a scarf tied around it. 

It just kind of sits funny. It's OK, but I'm not wild about it.

So I got another one. I wear this one almost every day now. 

I like it a lot. It's light, easy, and gives me a completely different look!

It may be the only time in my life I'll have blonde hair, so I'm rolling with it.

The rest of these are my silly wigs. Mostly they just sit in a box in my closet, but I have them just in case...

Let's call this one "Natasha"

And I don't know... "Blonde Natasha"

This one is "Adelaide"

I will wear this one when I play Pinocchio later this month

Try as I might, I can't make this one look right. 

And everyone needs a blonde beehive. 

My 60 Seconds of Fame

What an absolute whirlwind this week has been!

I am into week 2 of round 2 of chemo. This one has been easier. Dr. Krie, my oncologist, actually told me that the first round is probably the hardest. Your body is reeling from the shock of the introduction of nasty toxic chemicals to its system, and you get all these side effects. Once you've been through it, however, you mentally and emotionally know what to expect. So this time around, I have had way less gastro-intestinal distress (because I anticipated and medicated sooner), I knew what to expect on the first weekend, and how long for the ennui to last. My mouth is still in the sensitive stage, and I try to remember to carry Kleenex with me for the frequent, spontaneous nosebleeds.

I have to confess, I threw myself a little pity party on Monday (round 2, day 4). I was on my 3rd day of not feeling very energetic, I had to work, and I hated the way I looked in the mirror in the morning. Felt a little like this:

Let's be honest, I feel like this most mornings. Hair or not...

I sat down and had myself a good cry. Then I threw up. Well, dry-heaved. I hadn't eaten yet. I pulled myself together, went down and got the kids ready for school, then I told my Facebook friends what was going on. (Isn't that what everyone does? Cries, vomits, then tells all their friends?) OK, I didn't mention the vomit, but I said I was feeling sorry for myself, and got all kinds of support from Facebook-land. "You go ahead and cry... It does you good... You need it..." etc. But here's what happened. I started to let that self-pity seep in, and another wave of nausea swept over me.

I recognized it immediately that time. My attitude has a lot to do with my symptoms. Wow. I mean, I can't control my cardboard tongue or anything, but the nausea is related to how self-absorbed I become. I made a decision then and there to not let that self-pity (a form of pride) sweep over me. It's not a feeling I like anyway, and I can sense how it pulls me away from a God-centered life.

So, I pulled my attitude out of the mud, and got back up on the positive side again. Does this mean that I have to also live under the pressure of always staying all happy-peppy?  Of course not! It just means that, just like I tell my kids, I do have a choice how I am going to respond to each day, and some days for me, that choice means the difference between head in the toilet or not. My circumstances do not have to dictate my inner peace.

Well, I got through the three hard days, also identifying that part of the reason I was upset was that Matt was leaving for a week on Tuesday morning. I really, REALLY miss him when he's gone. I don't know how some moms do it with a dad that isn't there part of the time. I would really suck at it. I guess we all learn to adapt to the curves and turns life throws at us. It wouldn't be so hard to lose him if he was a bum, but he's really helpful around the house, and is such a good dad. And he's funny. And I love him.

Tuesday morning rolled around, I dropped Matt off at the airport, and got both kids up and off to school. I had a few errands to run, then met my mom for a little retail therapy. She totally spoiled me, as she took me shopping for shoes, a swimsuit and a couple of dresses. Oh, and a new wig. I will  be sporting a short, blond cut occasionally this summer now too. Thanks, Mom!

Tuesday night, I got to go be a runway model at a Mary Kay makeover/ style show event they were having in town. There's this cute little shop in Downtown Sioux Falls called Chelsea's Boutique, and my super-effervescent friend, Sarah asked me if I wanted to be a runway model for their fashion show. So Tuesday evening I found myself, incognito (because nobody really knew me or that I had cancer) and chatted it up with some of the other girls. All of us, just regular gals who also had never done this before. I tried to blend in. I practiced being like my friend, Amy Lu, who is one of the best listeners I know, and asked questions about the person I was talking to, without needing to interject a personal anecdote every other sentence like I usually do. It turns out, it's hard to casually drop into a conversation that you're going through chemo treatments. But I do anyway. I'm a barrel of laughs.

At one point, one of the MK ladies came over to me and complimented me on my hair. I smiled suspiciously, looking to see if she had been sent by someone I knew, which she was not. I can't quite just say "thank you." Instead I said, "Are you... serious? Because I am going through chemo treatments for breast cancer, and this is a wig."

She immediately said, "Oh I am a survivor! I had my left breast removed in 2009! You look great! I can't believe you're in treatments right now!" (MK ladies have a way of speaking with a lot of exclamation points.)  I have entered the twilight zone. I swear you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a breast cancer survivor. Somehow, I have 2-3 conversations like this every day.

Anyway, I got to strut my stuff on the runway. I didn't actually get many pictures, but I did have Mom snap this one of me in one of the outfits...

Yeah, I talked Mom into buying me the hat... 

Now I can go to the Kentucky Derby.

In my "I'm not so perfect as I'd like to pretend to be" moment of the night, as I went to step up onto the platform in my first outfit, I stepped right out of my shoe. Had to backtrack... pick up my shoe... try again. Just keepin' it real.

Mom stayed with me overnight and helped get the kids where they needed to go on Wednesday morning. I decided it was time to break out some fun at Maia's school, and wore my pink wig to be a classroom helper. I was not at ALL a distraction.

Best conversation of the morning with a 1st grader in the hallway:

Kid: Why are you wearing that pink wig?
Me: Uh... well, I don't have any hair.
Kid: Yes you do. I've seen it.
Me: Nope, it's all gone. You can ask your mom.
Kid: I saw you yesterday, you have hair.
Me: No I don't. Why are you in the hallway. Aren't you supposed to be going to the bathroom?
Kid: You have hair.
Me: No, actually. I don't. Want to be freaked out? (start to pull wig away from the side of my head)
Kid: (turns his back to go down hall to bathroom) Whatever, lady. You have hair.

Thursday was exciting because I made my television debut. I had to force myself to stay up until the 10:00 news, but here is the story that KSFY did on me. They were very complimentary, and I like that they didn't water down the faith element of who I am. A big thanks to Mark Roper for his kindness, and high school classmate, James Jansma for suggesting the idea in the first place.

A lot of friends have shared my little story on Facebook (poor Matt felt the need to stay up late until it was posted online, so he could watch it before going to bed), and a few people mentioned seeing me on the news the next day. I have received messages from people I don't know, telling me how the story and my blog have impacted them. It is all very humbling and flattering.

Saturday was the Avera Breast Cancer Race. I have never been a part of this event, or any other race for that matter... well, since I injured out of cross country in high school with stress fractures in both legs, but that's another story. Anyway, one of the teachers at Maia's elementary school asked me if I wanted to be on the school's team. We have a handful of survivor moms and teachers, and one In Memory Of. I took her up on it, and we named the team the All City Tiaras and Tutus. So, we donned our tiaras and tutus, and let the fun begin!

Xander & Maia 

Some of the All City crew

My brother, Casey, who works for Avera, manfully sporting a tutu

My sister-in-law, Heidi and two of her friends, Trisha and Rhonda 

ran with my name on their backs

My other sister-in-law, Rena

These were just the team members I actually communicated with 

who met in the parking lot before the race. There were others, but this was a flattering turnout. 

It is worth noting that the runner on the far right (Traci, another of Heidi's friends) had the number 22 for the race.

Also in here, my cousin Laurie who came all the way for Minneapolis to run the 10K, 

and her mom, my Aunt Jeanne. Also my step-dad, also manfully sporting both tiara and tutu.

 There were some very clever team names and t-shirts. I didn't have the presence of mind to capture some of them. I liked the team dressed as bumble bees for Julies Boo-Bees. There were Tutus for Tatas- one of their guys was dressed in a pink body stocking. With a tutu. Awesome. One team went past and they were all wearing Mickey Mouse ears, and on their backs they had "I'm running for Mickie" on their stickers.

I loved these t-shirts, and was impressed at the hand-lettering on them:

"Check your bumps for lumps" & 

"Save the tatas"

"Boobs: They need our support"

 I learned a few things at my first Avera Breast Cancer Walk:

• It will probably be cold. At least the sun was shining on us today, but it was about 40 degrees, and a bit breezy. All the pictures I've seen posted from past events have had people bundled up against the cold, sometimes rain. Hopefully not snow, but don't count it out.
• Get there early to get the goods. They have all kinds of free stuff to give away, but you don't get it after you're done. You get it first, because by 10 am, everyone is gone. This is not the kind of thing that you can wait until you get there, or wait until after to get your poop in a group (which is unfortunate, because that's how I usually roll).
• Be the captain of your own team. Kayleen, who suggested this in the first place, is a 5th grade teacher, and it's the last 2 weeks of school. She did not have time to pick up and distribute all the race packets. I happily did most of that this year, but was not the official contact person. It was a little messy, but now I know what to expect, and can take the bull by the horns next year.
• There will be food there. I spent so much time getting fabulous before leaving the house, that I didn't leave enough time to eat, so I threw in some food and a leaky water bottle from home. Not necessary.
• This is not a one-time deal. I had a pretty nice crew this year, but now this stamp of being a "survivor" is on me forever. I don't have to do the race every year (By the way, I took the 3-mile walk option with several others from our team. I don't run), but people wanted to do it on my behalf, it was fun, and it is a tremendous fundraiser and the funds go directly to the Prairie Center.
• Tutus generate a lot of static electricity that transfers immediately to pink synthetic hair and shocks you in the face. I did not know that before today.
• I am really, really lucky. I think I have the easiest cancer treatment ever. 

I had some great conversations with some complete strangers today. I was in the Survivors' Tent, waiting with Maia & Rylie (my niece) to get their nails painted, when I struck up a conversation with the lady next to me. She didn't find her lump until it was bigger than a golf ball. Her hardest night was waiting for her pet scan result to see if she was Stage 3 or Stage 4. Because Stage 3 is curable, and Stage 4 is not. She had to go home after chemo treatments (some ungodly number... 16 rounds?), and potty train her preschooler. UGH!  Can you imagine?

Here was my favorite God moment of the day. I was just finishing that conversation, when a lady tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Amy (how anyone could recognize me in that getup is a true miracle!). She had tears in her eyes and said, "I was meant to see your story on the news the other night. We are walking the same road. I was also diagnosed in March. I watched your story, and I read your blog. Thank you." I quickly assessed her fragility, the wig, her daughter at the nail table right next to mine and pulled her into a huge hug. Get this, she found her lump while breastfeeding her baby, and it was incorrectly assumed to be mastitis, so by the time they figured out it was cancer, she was at stage 3. I later found out that she's a good friend of one of Mom's good friends. That happens a lot around here. I would say it's a SD thing, but she's from NW Iowa. Close enough.

And that's just two of the hundreds of survivor stories out there, and I hear more every day. I am so very, very lucky to have caught this little bitty tumor when I did. That I went to the doctor about it is a miracle, since I never go to the doctor, and I'm really cheap. They didn't dismiss it when they couldn't really see it on the mammogram, they kept looking until they found the truth. I am blessed with friends, loved ones and a God that provides for my every need through the Body of Christ. I am so fortunate that the timing of my treatment means I don't even really have to miss a beat, can take the summer off to heal, and should be able to be back to teaching in the fall.

People keep calling me brave. I don't deserve that. Really. I am just facing some minor obstacles. There truly are some courageous women out there fighting for their lives, and I am honored to be an encouragement during the journey. 

Losing My Hair

So last night, I shaved my head. What did you do?

My hair started falling out in earnest on Saturday morning. We were staying in a hotel, and Saturday and Sunday, I felt so bad for the housekeepers at the hotel! I left a note of explanation and a tip for them.

Backing up a bit... Last week was a great week! Part of the reason for the rush in getting started on chemo on April 11, was so that I would feel good for a trip to St. Louis that our family had been planning for several months, and I did! I felt as normal as I've felt since chemo treatment #1. My mouth went back to normal- less dry and carpet-y feeling, and my digestive system got back on an even keel, and I was HUNGRY a lot! I gained 3 whole pounds, and my jeans are not quite as loose.

Indulge me for a second, I have to brag on my kid for a moment... Xander is a part of the Robot Geeks, which is a First Lego League team made up of all 7th and 8th graders from Patrick Henry Middle School here in Sioux Falls. FLL teams are judged on the performance of their robots, which is the most public event at a tournament- scores are posted, and they do them in a large space and have MCs and it's all very exciting. Each year, there is a theme, last year's theme was Food Factor, this year was Senior Solutions (helping the elderly with common problems). Teams will do a Project, where they come up with a problem and a creative solution to that problem, then present it to a panel of judges- usually a little skit of some sort, then answer some questions. They also have a Tech Briefing, where they present their robotic programming information to the judges, they do a Core Values activity- they have a poster outlining the core values of FLL: 

We are a team. We do the work to find solutions with guidance from our coaches and mentors. We know our coaches and mentors don't have all the answers; we learn together. We honor the spirit of friendly competition. What we discover is more important than what we win. We share our experiences with others. We display Gracious Professionalism® and Coopertition® in everything we do. We have FUN!

 and then the judges have them do an activity together, which they don't know what it will be going in, to see how well the team communicates and works together. I've only gotten to hear about these activities until last week, because parents aren't usually allowed to watch. 

These 3 things along with Robot Performance, in which the robot the team creates attempts to solve missions on about an 8'x4' table, filled with Lego creations that the robots interact with, all according to the theme of the year- this year with Senior Solutions as the theme, there there missions such as completing a Lego quilt, walking a dog, fixing a broken chair, turning off a stove, working a cardiovascular machine, bowling, choosing the right color medicine bottle, and balancing the robot on a bridge. The more missions your robot completes successfully, the more points your team gets.

In 2011, the Geeks' robot got 2nd place in that portion of the competition, but the team won the overall State Tournament, and got to advance to the North American Championship at Legoland in Carlsbad, CA. This year, our robot, Steve, did not perform as well at State, and we were really quite shocked when we won the State Tournament for the second year in a row! The team was sent to the World Championship in St. Louis, and we were one of 80 teams from 60 different countries to come home with a trophy!  The kids got a trophy in the category of Inspiration because of some of the ways they support and promote FLL and the South Dakota Robotics Association in Sioux Falls.

As you can tell, "We Have Fun" might be their favorite Core Value. 

Also, Christmas Lights should be added to this team's values.

The trophy is the red thing in the front center.

OK, back to my hair loss.

Despite the short haircut, the process of my hair falling out was still traumatic. I was able to get away with hats for Monday and Tuesday of this week, but Wednesday, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and wear my wig for the first time. I was really self-consious about it, but I posted this picture on Facebook and everyone was really nice about it.

Despite the goofy look on my face... 

which my mom & brother both commented on. So much love!

After wearing the wig for a full day, I decided it was time to shave my head. The hair falling out is MESSY! It is just gross, and it gets everywhere, so I had Matt buzz my head (which I said I wouldn't do, but desperate times and all...)

Honestly, neither of us enjoyed this process. I think it may have been as hard on him as it was on me. I looked at it in the mirror afterward, and it was so patchy and weird looking. I decided to take a shower, and it was still falling out, but more like whiskers, but it made it even more patchy and weird looking, so I shaved it. Myself. In the shower. Yes, there were tears.

I got out and used a towel to dry my head- a towel I will be able to reuse for the first time in a week! I told Matt that I needed him to still think I was beautiful. He assured me that he does. I rubbed some soothing coconut oil into my scalp, as he reminded me of all the sexy bald white women in movies like "V for Vendetta."  I said I was thinking of "G.I .Jane," and a creative plan emerged.

Here are my celebrity knock-off photos. Enjoy. (and excuse my terrible Photoshopping skills)

Here's my Demi Moore, with one notable exception...

My arms are significantly longer than Natalie Portman's

Sinead O'Connor is just beautiful. 

And yes, I shopped in stubble on my head.

And then I put my glasses on, and let's face it. I look like this guy.

How Cancer & Chemo Treatments Are Like Being Pregnant

Thanks for checking in! It is +8 days since my first chemo treatment, and here's how it's gone this week.

Day +1: Thursday. Really felt fine. Matt & I were both exhausted after that first infusion- me from the anti-anxiety meds they pumped into me (don't think they're really necessary), and probably from the anti-nausea meds (those did a great job). Matt was exhausted from all the visitors I had during my infusion, forcing him to be an extrovert. We went home and crashed that afternoon, but I didn't feel yucky at all, just tired.

Day +2: Friday. Still on the 3-day round of steroids, had the whole haircut/ wig thing going on. That was a lot of fun. Got that Neulasta shot which did me in for the next 3 1/2 days.

Day +3: Saturday. Useless. Well, mostly. I did teach one lesson, and it was a really good one. I didn't feel 100%, mostly just body aches in a few strange places. Hips, jaw and base of skull.

Day +4: Sunday. Even more useless. I could barely stand up at church, and it was everything I could do to get my body and the kids out the door, then trudge back home afterward. Started to have some gastro-intestinal distress (let's just be polite and call it that instead of, say, "Montezuma's Revenge," shall we?)

Day +5: Monday. Went back to work (I was awesome). My brain felt like I was trying to swim through pudding. I couldn't really read music, I had trouble focusing on anything, and my motivation was super low. More GI distress.

Day +6: Tuesday. Was crabby & whiny, but feeling better. Had an extreme attack of heartburn in the night, jettisoning me out of bed at about 2 am from a very strange dream about how chemo should burn in your chest as you get it (which it doesn't), but that I was sharing it with everyone, as I was forced to dig trenches to help bury the branches from the thousands of broken trees all over our city- and NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO SING ABOUT IT!! (That seemed to be the most frustrating part in my dream! Hahaha!) Anyway, got up and took care of that problem, but it was some extreme pain. I lost my sense of normal taste that day, but physically turned a corner that afternoon, as I was talking to a friend, I noticed that I was peppy again. Neat!

Day +7: More GI distress, making the morning difficult to get started. Otherwise, it was a pretty normal day. I attended a yoga class, got together with a friend to make a plan for arranging meals, shuttled kids around, and even went to Mitchell to play bassoon in a concert that evening.

So that's how my week has been. Did you notice? No vomiting!  While I have not been terribly motivated to do anything, and nothing is terribly appealing to my cardboard palate, I have been eating, and keeping it down. HUGE answer to prayer there!  :)

I can't really tell if my difficulty in getting out of bed in the morning is any different than usual. I would say it's much like normal people must feel without their morning cup of coffee. I just never do real coffee. Maybe I should (except for the GI distress and extreme acid reflux thing).

Anyway. That's how things have been going.

Now, here's a little comparison/ contrast I've been thinking about.

Ways Cancer/ Chemo Treatments Are A Lot Like Being Pregnant:

1. You are hosting a foreign body within your skin.

2. You take a lot of naps.

3. Everything tastes weird, and your sense of smell is heightened.

4. People are really nice to you, bringing you meals and helping out where ever they can.

5. It's hard to stay hydrated enough (might go hand in hand with the sense of taste/ smell).

5. Eventually, it shows and people can tell by looking at you what you're going through- although there are ways to hide it if you want to.

6. Everyone seems to have a story to share. Many of them are scary and you don't want to hear them!

7. It changes your body forever.

8. You never forget you have it. I remember when I was pregnant, I was pregnant in my dreams. This actually seems to be getting better with cancer. I can go a long time thinking about other things and forget that I'm going through this battle (until Montezuma reminds me occasionally).

9. There is an end in sight.

Some Ways They Are Different:

1. No one is envious or happy for you (though they are very positive and supportive).

2. Still have "female issues" to deal with for the time being - which is not fair to have to do both, by the way!

3. Instead of growing long, luxurious hair (sometimes in unwanted places), your hair stops growing, and eventually falls out. I'm counting this as a plus because hey! No swimsuit shaving this summer!

4. No one runs races to fund the "cure" for pregnancy.

5. My boobs will actually be new and improved when all is said and done, instead of post-nursing saggy bags.

6. I don't have to start over as a new mommy when I'm done with chemo treatments! Same old mom. Same old kids. No new babies.

I'm sure you can come up with others! Leave them in the comments.

So Round One is going pretty well. I had about 3 1/2 days of vaguely fluish symptoms. During that time, I will admit, there were a couple of days that I felt like a broken doll, and worried that post-surgery I might look a little like Helena Bonham Carter's Bride of Frankenstein...

Matt assures me that my plastic surgeon will do a much better job than this one.

The Great Hair/ Wig Adventure

I know you've been waiting with baited breath for the updates on my big haircut... Sorry. I've been laid out flat all weekend, feeling like a mushy bowl of goo. Blech!

Well, here's how it all went down.  I chose my stylist very carefully. Bekah Hauert goes to Embrace Church with us, and her sweet little 6-year-old daugher, Ady is on the final rounds of her chemo treatments. I knew I wanted Bekah to cut my hair from the time I decided to get it done. I haven't had a real haircut from a professional in quite a while, so it was nice to be pampered! Bekah was awesome. She had some great stories to share about Ady's hair loss (that seems weird, but it wasn't), as well as advice about when my hair starts to grow back in, and she kept things fun and light.

I left for my haircut at about noon. KSFY met me there, and filmed my new drastic haircut. Here's some pictures:

Here's the before pics, I guess.

You have to put your hair in a ponytail or braid to donate it.

Here it goes!

There's my hair! Goes to some lucky kid, I guess. :) I was surprised to find out that they only use the donated hair in kids' wigs. So the wig I will get will be a synthetic one. Have to be careful not to melt it!

Bekah even put some pink streaks in and set me up with some hair goop to keep things fun. Here's how it looked the next day (minus the pink streaks, because I was wearing blue):

I like it. Cute, easy and fun. Too bad it will only last a couple of weeks!

After the haircut, I went straight over to the Prairie Center and met with Dell for my wig fitting. I had invited a couple of friends along for that, and Polly didn't even recognize me when I waved to her! 

We had a good time trying out different styles and colors. She said to choose the style first, then we would pick the color from there. We had a little fun!

The girls really liked this one, but the back was a little weird. I wasn't sold on it.

What do you think? Blondie?

My hair actually looked a lot like this for a long time...

Aubrey is clearly not impressed with this one! 

I don't want a long one. I'm going to have it for the summer, 

and I spent all summer last year with my hair in a ponytail! 

This is the one I ended up and picked with the help of Aubrey (left) and (Polly), as well as Dell the wig lady, Mom, and the cameraman! It's a fun little asymmetrical bob.  It will be a slightly lighter color for the summer season. 

After all the ruckus, I sent the paparazzi home and my mom & I went up to the oncology unit, where they gave me a shot called Neulasta, which they give within 24 hours of chemo. Wow, not a fan. It tells your bones to produce white cells to make up for the drop in immunity chemo does to you. Sadly, one of the side effects is that your bones get pretty achy. Within hours, I was a pooped pup, but we were able to get together with my dad & step-mother to celebrate her birthday for a nice dinner at Red Lobster, and a little swim time for the kids at their hotel.

I was a yucky, mushy mess for the next 2 days. My Saturday and Sunday were pretty rough. I felt the aches mostly in my hips, lower molars and at the base of my skull on Saturday. By this morning (Sunday), it was all I could do to get up and out of bed to get the kids and me to church that morning. I have been eating well, however, and the nausea has not set in, so that is a huge blessing! 

I did get a migraine aura this evening, so I took a couple of Tylenol and had a cup of coffee. Avoided the headache, which is good. The hope was that with all the estrogen blocking chemo provides, I would get to drop the migraines... We'll have to see, I guess.

I am planning to go back to work tomorrow, and am thankful that my students are pretty gracious. I'm feeling better at bedtime tonight (Sunday), so I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a good day... Prayers appreciated!